Lonely teardrops

This is a sad week for us. Ryan is sad, which in turn makes Tim and I sad. There truly is nothing worse than seeing his sad little face, with his chin and lip quivering, trying to be brave and not cry, but then giving in and crying sad little tears. It is all I can do to hold my own tears back in front of him, and I have not been succeeding very well. Let me back up and start at the beginning.

Ryan had been at a local daycare center since 12 weeks of age. He was in the infant room for 9 months, then the toddler transition room for about 6 months, and then the "2's" room for about 10 months. He absolutely loved it there. He loved the setting, the teachers, and the kids. Sure, we had days here and there where he would cry and cling to us at drop off - But I could tell it was fake, his teachers knew it was fake, and it usually ended by the time I reached my car. He would then run and play the rest of the day. Because he had been there so long, he knew all the teachers, and they all knew him. He had nicknames like "Bossman" and "Mayor Ryan." He ruled the school, he thought he was in charge and sometimes they let him be. They knew exactly how to make him smile, laugh, snap him out of a funk, and put him in a good mood. Heck, if you think about it (and I don't like to) he spent more time with them over the course of his short life, than he did with us. He was there 40+ hours a week for almost 2 straight years. It's all he knew.

In late October, we found out that, for several reasons, Ryan's daycare center was closing. I was in denial, then mad, then sad. It was a tough couple of months while we toured new centers and tried to find the place that was the best fit for him and his personality, while still being in a convenient location and affordable. There is a Montessori school very close to his old daycare where several of his little friends went, including Abe (who Ryan had been with since 12 weeks of age), Wen-Xiang (who Ryan had been with since about 18 weeks of age), and Ava (our neighbor and Ryan's girlfriend) After a lot of tours and research, I decided that, even though his friends would be there, the Montessori was not the right place for him. We instead selected a childcare center close to where both Tim and I work, also not far from home, that had the same look and feel (as well as a similar curriculum) as his old center. We were happy with our decision. Until we actually had to go through with it.

Today is Ryan's 4th day at the new center. I prepared myself for the worst, I talked to other parents whose kids had transitioned (including Abe's mom and Ava's mom). I knew there might be full days of crying, screaming at drop off, and just general sadness. I told myself Ryan might be different, because he is so social and outgoing. He usually plays with new kids as soon as he meets them and warms up very quickly to new people in general. I thought "He can't possibly cry all day long." Well, I didn't prepare myself well enough. This has been one of the toughest weeks for me since I became a mother. I have cried more this week than I did when I left him as a newborn. I have been second guessing my decision to choose this center, rather than the Montessori school, where at least he would have known a lot of the other kids already. Tim has been handling drop off, and they have been going as we would expect, with a lot of tears. What I did not prepare myself for was that when I picked him up at the end of the day, his little face would be red and tear stained and still sad....8+ hours after we left him there. Picking him up used to be the best part of my day - I loved sneaking in before he knew I was there - watching him run around with his friends, or reading stories, doing computer time, or eating snack. I still love picking him up - But it breaks my heart to see him hovering near a teacher, with fear and uncertainty in his eyes. In mornings, and on the ride home he has been melancholy and sad, saying several times "No new school." When we get home he clings to me while he watches Mickey Mouse, sitting on my lap with his arms around me, which he NEVER did before. At bedtime he is extra clingy too, we had a couple of nights of crying at bedtime, but last night was better. Maybe we're turning a corner.

I know it will get better. It HAS to. I know he will be better for it. He can't stay in one place his whole life, and he needs to learn how to deal with change. I know we are not scarring him for life and that what is happening is 100% normal (his teachers have even told me so). I know he will survive. I'm just not sure I will :(