Guilt

Last night we were driving home from work/school and I asked Ryan who he thinks is coming to his birthday party next month. When asked this in the past, he has listed off all of our adult friends, since to him they are just as much his friends as ours. He surprised me by saying "All of my cousins!!" This shouldn't have been too much of a surprise to me - We just got back from 5 days in Albany where he spent a lot of quality time with his cousins - Andrew (16), Rachel (12), Kayla (10), Colin (7), Alec (5) and Lizzie (almost 3) - Not to mention, he absolutely adores all of them and when they are all together, they truly act more like siblings than cousins. It amazes me, as they only see each other a few times a year, yet when they do they fall right back into playing together as if no time has passed. There is no shyness, no hesitation, no unfamiliarity, and there never has been. So when he mentioned wanting them at his party, I should have seen it coming. I explained that they couldn't come because they live in New York, and it's too far away. "But my big cousins can come, they can drive." I told him again that it is too far away, but Grandma and papa will be coming. "But Grandma and Papa live in New York too and they are coming. I want my cousins to come!" I told him they can't come, because they have school. "Why do they have to go to school on my birthday?" The entire conversation tugged at my heartstrings and just brought a ton of guilt to the surface.

My parents live in Massachusetts, and Ryan is their only grandson. They are definitely still close, they see him several times a year, and Ryan loves his Nana and Grandpa. But it's not the same as living close enough to see each other once a week, or even every few weeks. Same with my in-laws and all of Ryan's cousins. They live in Albany, NY and we see them even less. Although we all make a lot of effort, busy schedules prevail and it's not always that easy to just hop in the car for a 6 hour drive. And once Ryan is in real school, those weekend trips will become harder and harder. He doesn't know what he is missing out on, as he doesn't know any different. He loves the time he does have with both sets of grandparents and his aunts, uncles and cousins. Last weekend was a true example of that - Seeing him with everyone warmed my heart. And I know he is happy here, he loves his school, city life, his friends and our friends. But I know what he is missing out on. I grew up a 10 minute drive from my grandparents, and within about 30 miles of my entire extended family. I see how close my Dad is with all of his cousins, and I want Ryan to have that as well.

This post isn't any big announcement - We're not moving anytime soon. But conversations like the one we had last night really make me question in what direction we're headed...And what is best for my little guy...